thoughts of a hillbilly

Submit more topics/questions/anything and I guarantee you’ll get into Heaven.  

Anonymous asked: What are your views on urine and the consumption of it?

All I can think of is the scene in Waterworld when webbed feet Kevin Costner has his Pee-to-Drinking Water Machine. And the time I hit my cousin in the face with a Nic-yellow snowball. 

I’d drink my urine if I was paid. It’s sterile. 

Before I close this up though I have to say that my youngest brother drank a cup of his once. He told me he didn’t want to lose the bet our sister Payton bet him. So he drank a whole cup. I asked him what he won and he told me he “just won the bet, I didn’t lose.”

Kid needs to learn the way a bet works. Especially when there’s a cup of your pee involved. I guess pride is a cup best served piss warm. 

Anonymous asked: I'm gonna open up a can o' whoop ass on yo

BRING IT. 

Anonymous asked: Why 'Party On The Hill' ?

My Papaw was a cop for many years. He is always telling me ridiculous stories involving him being a badass of law or just a badass in general. One story in particular that my friends and I all like to laugh about is his Party on the Hill story. 

A lot of people don’t realize just how big West Virginia actually is, partly because they don’t realize it even exists. Where I grew up you had to drive about half an hour to go to a movie theater and about 2 hours to the mall which has about 12 stores, two of which actually sell mens clothes that aren’t camo. One community in my county (which is Nicholas County where there is the community of Persinger as well) is the most literal example of the distance that you are from everything important in WV. The area is called Twenty-Mile which is near Belva. It’s always said that it was named that because it’s “twenny’ mile from everythin!” I’m not arguing it because when I worked for the Department of Highways we’d have to go there sometimes. You actually have to leave Nicolas County and do a weird 180 degree turn back into the county just to get onto the road that leads there.

So with all that information let’s go back to the 70s. Walter Rose is told he has to do some undercover drug sting down in Twenty-Mile. Now Papaw was a clean cut guy when he was a cop and wasn’t really much of a drinker or anything, so he’s the last guy I’d draft to be the buyer in a sting. But, they picked him. He told us that they told him he had to try to buy some cocaine from this guy in one of the many trailers there. Papaw decided he couldn’t look/smell like typical Walter Rose, so he threw on this old t-shirt that said “Party on the Hill,” he chugged a beer and he was off alongside the informant. They got to the trailer and knocked on the door. Fella’ answered and the informant locked up. Papaw blurted out, “we’re looking for some coke, got any?” The man let them in and said “Nah, I ain’t got no coke, who told you I was’a sellin’?” Frustrated with the situation Papaw told him that “it doesn’t matter who told us, you got any or not? Because I know others that do.” With the fear of losing some business the guy told him to wait right there. A minute later they were walking down the 2x4 steps towards the car with a pocket full of powder. Papaw said he waved goodbye to him as the backed out of his yard and rounded the bend. Around that bend was over half of the Nicholas County Police Department. Trading the drugs for his pistol, he turned around and followed the parade of black and white cars back down Twenty-Mile to see his friend again. 

Papaw says that when they were putting him into the squad car he was yellin’ “I knew you were a pig! I fucking knew it!” 

“And then you sold it to me.” Papaw yelled back. 

Party on the Hill.

Anonymous asked: Haunt mahh dreamz puleaz?

I used to be babysat by a family friend when I was a kid. I used to sit in her basement and watch Nightmare on Elm Street all day long. 

Sara, if you ever read this, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?

Anonymous asked: FASHION EMERGENCY!!!!! What do you wear with a hoodie that looks as though it's made of foreskin!?

In my opinion, that’s all hoodies. I have a rule that if I wear sweatpants out of the house after age 21, I’ll be wearing them for  the rest of my life. The same goes for hoodies. I own one, and I wear it to the grocery store if I’m sick or if I’m running in the cold. Also, what has a foreskin big enough to turn into a hoodie? Are you in Moby Dick’s wiener hood?Take off the hoodie and put on a button down shirt. Take off those Sketchers too, it’s not the S, it’s just poor taste.  

Anonymous asked: Would you ever wear assless chaps? And if so, will you send me pictures? (You know who this is you stupid motherfucker!)

I would wear them again under different circumstances. 

God, is that you?

Anonymous asked: What do you do when the peanut butter jar has reached such a level that, you could scrape another serving out with a knife and or spoon, or you could just throw it away and get a new one?

Walter Rose would slap you for even asking. Always throw it away empty. But it is annoying when you have peanut butter on your knuckles from trying to scrape it clean. 

My grandpa has a very strict diet due to chronic stubbornness. It consists of, and I kid you not: Jif Peanut butter sandwiches, brown beans, white cake, bologna, Velveeta, diet Coke, sugar-free chocolate pie, tomato soup, and french fries. That is what he eats and only eats. Forever. 

Anonymous asked: If you was gonna have a barbeque, what would you serve, who would you be invitin, and how would you set it up? Explain your utopic hillbilly barbeque.

We don’t really have barbecues, we just call them cookouts. Always. 

BUT! Let me tell you about mine. I’d keep it simple, because when I go to cookouts and there’s tons of different food I eat myself sick. i much more satisfied when there’s just a perfect variety of kick-ass dishes.

I’d serve pulled pork BBQ sadwiches, burgers, and hot dogs for the main course. On the side you’d get mac’n cheese, chips and dip, baked beans, corn on the cob, and corn bread. As for dessert I’d have 1,000 of my Nana’s cakes, coconut cream pie, graham cracker pie, and that fruit/jello/cream cheese stuff that appears at every family reunion. Drinks would be lots of pop and punch. 

The setup is simple. It’s be a copy of my family reunion’s layout: One Huge, long table with the grill at the end surrounded by shade and picnic tables. 

As for guests, I’d invite my family, a few friends from DC, more friends from home, Abe Lincoln, Daniel Tosh, and the Holy Ghost: Obi Wan Kenobi.

The end. 

Anonymous asked: Labia Plasty

Wow. I didn’t really know this existed. I don’t know if I’m more amazed at the thought of the procedure or frustrated I didn’t know when I was dating some of my exs. 

My biggest question though is: What do they do with what they cut off?

Think if you could get that attached somewhere. You could have them forge ‘em into webbing on your toes so you could swim as fast as a dolphin. My god, the possibilities are endless. Labia grafting. 

Maybe this is the answer to foreskin restoration.